After the shooting Tuesday, our school quickly went into lock down and I kept my emotions completely in check; I was 100% the teacher. Some time later when the kids were sent home my tears finally started and I began my personal processing of what had happened. Similarly, I've been in a semi-detached state all week, experiencing short bursts of tears and some seriously difficult moments getting out of bed, but in general holding it together to make it through the school week. Last night as I was mentally planning out my Saturday I knew I had a large amount of processing to deal with, and somatically was the best way I knew how. I got up and ran at Town Lake hard and fast until I tasted blood, then I sat down next to the water and cried for a while. Later I met a friend from school for a challenging yoga class and let my breath clean out a good chunk of the tension I've been carrying. The rest of my day has been spent in the company of friends and family. Low key but just enough normal to help get me closer to right.

Teaching in a Title 1 school has already been a pretty alienating experience. The radical nature of the lifestyle just makes it hard to connect with others that haven't shared the experience. A trauma such as this is a whole new level. I'm finding it very difficult sharing the experience with most people in my social circle. It just seems so far removed from any prior reality that it's outrageous to bring it up. I only want to talk to my friends that were there that day and can understand my complicated emotions without a lengthy conversation. Everyone has been amazingly sympathetic and kind, but I find myself upset that most people just can't understand. I witnessed a child dying. A child whose present and future both were collectively my burden to shoulder. 

I feel a lot better after today, but I don't know what normal will ever be again. 


Carli said...

Amber. My heart aches reading this post. You're school community has been through a terrible shock.I can't even imagine how difficult that must be. Most certainly one of those life changing experiences. No words to say, except that I am sorry. Much love to you!

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